Question:

(name and details removed for privacy issues)

Hi. my name is ………., I have watched a couple of your videos on YouTube and you seem quite an experienced psychologist to me .
I don’t know if you can advise me about my past. I have not told anyone about it yet.
This was during the 90s. I was going out with a guy for almost a year. Without telling him, I unintentionally, walked away from his life for good, because I got married in a rush and went abroad.
After 21 years ago I found him on facebook; that was 3 yrs ago. I msg him what happened in the past, why I left my job, and walked away from his life.
He msg me back that he misses me and wants to marry me, but I have my own family now, which he does not know and never asked me.
I do love him still, no matter how much I try cannot forget him.
Can u pls advise me .

Notes

TAKE YOUR TIME: I am very pleased to read that you are stopping impulsive moves and thinking about what lies ahead for you before running head on into the unknown.  That is a huge step in personal growth.  Nothing done in haste usually works.  Kudos!

LET IT GO:  To be happy (which is what your’e here to do) involves a deliberate shift from the past to present and future hopes. It is imperative to let go of  ‘what if’ thoughts running through your mind.  ‘Would life had been different if I had stayed?’ What if I had been honest, would we be together today?‘  That kind of ruminating over the past is like spitting into the wind.  All you get is wet on by yourself. 

BE KIND TO YOURSELF:  Don’t beat yourself up for your mistakes.  These are life’s learning lessons. Your trials and triumphs are uniquely yours for your highest growth.  Never be ashamed.   We can’t get to fifth grade in our evolution until we pass the tests of second grade. As we all know, tests aren’t always easy or fun.

If you are on the planet now, it means you chose to be here to experience this relationship.

Relax.  Exhale.  Celebrate how far you’ve come.

NEVER TAKE ANYTHING AS GOSPEL: As you read my thoughts and recommendations never take anything as face value.  Each soul has different learning lessons and everyone sharing this earthly experience is here to learn more about themselves and their ability to give and receive love.  If something doesn’t feel right to you, set it aside.  Either it is not for you or it is not time.

ANSWER

A few very interesteding details pop out as I read your email that you need to truly think about in the secret place of your mind, soul, and body.

These are important and I will write them here for you to review and think about:

1.  You left him once for some reasons that at the time seemed appropriate for your well being. Research indicates if the relationship didn’t work the first time, it will face the same complications the second time. For 21 years that decison worked on some level!  What has changed?  Are you looking for him to save you?  Are you bored?

Key:  No one can save you but yourself.  Two halfs do not make a whole. Your math teachers were wrong! They make a mess.

2.  When you are not honest with someone it creates distrust.  You did not come clean with him at first and still you say there are parts of your life that are still shadows to him.  This is not a foundation to create a future.

Key:  Love is based on mutual respect, kindness, and honesty.

3.  The grass always appears greener on the other side.  In that I want you to logically list what and if you truly love him.  It’s been a very long time…over 21 years since you’ve been a couple.  Life can become a drudgery and I don’t want you to think it will be different with him.

Key:  The chemical cocktail of sexual attraction lasts 24-36 months.  After that, it’s pretty much back to reality.  

          4.  Wherever you go there you are! What about your present romantic relationship? What about your family?  The results of divorce are far reaching and eveyone is affected.  Can you look at yourself in the mirror ten years from now feeling content with leaving your present spouse?  

Key:  I believe that love is the cornerstone of a human’s happiness.  But that happiness starts and ends with loving yourself.  When you sacrifice your self-esteem making poor decisions you are left looking into the mirror staring at a person who might have acted out of the wrong reasons. I don’t want you to be that person.

I want you to have love but in the right way so it harms no one.

With much love,

April of Course