Have YOU fallen prey to the Stargaze Syndrome?
As the world watches Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner sadly dissolve their vows after ten years of marriage and three children, I wonder why in the world we can send texts around the globe in seconds to the desired recipient but can’t find the right mate to spend our lives with in matrimony. After all, we’ve got more diverse choices than ever, more ways to connect than ever; nonetheless there is still a 50 percent divorce rate in the US.
So much for progress!
In the case of Ben and Jennifer, look at the the discontent and discord that grew between them. Ben cheated. Jennifer is a conservative, take charge woman. In actuality, Ben has always been a long time gambler with wandering eyes. She’s always been a business woman who has gotten where she is by being a bit of control freak….but seriously it’s not those things that broke up their marriage.
What broke up their marriage, and mine, and perhaps yours? I call it,
“The Star Gaze Syndrome.”
I have spent decades helping as a counselor, social worker, and therapist spending time mediating and coaching couples in crisis sharing choices in the reconcilation of their differences and methods of rekindling the spark they once had for one another.
But why are so many couples in need that of all of this intervention the first place?
What went wrong that two people very much in love now find it hard to co-exist for an hour without throwing innuendoes and rude stares that feel like knives piercing their hearts degrading their self worth.
For example, I have a client who can’t stand how long her doctor husband works. I have another who doesn’t think her husband makes enough money, and still another who hates that her man spends most of his free time in front of the tv watching golf.
Is it the husband’s fault wifey is displeased? Could he be different? Should she be a bit more flexible about what she wants from a husband?
Who’s Fault is it YOUR unhappy in your marriage?
YOURS and Yours Alone!
Are you became a victim of ‘The Star Gaze Syndrome!’
Answer these five questions to find out:
1. My spouse is exactly the same as he or she always was but I somehow can no longer ignore some of those traits that I once thought were minimal or an adorable flaw in character. I often find myself wondering, “what was I thinking?”: Yes or No
Example: Blake drank and partied with Amanda when they fell head over heals in love and he drinks now. Amanda has always had a hot temper; just listen to her music! However, it was that very fire and passion that drove them into each other’s arms, bed, and commitment to continue their wild adventures together.
So what happened?
He didn’t really change, nor did she…they were exactly what they presented to one another!
2. I didn’t mind how he/she acted during the early romance thinking it was a temporary thing: Yes or No
Example: He loves showing you his skills at the tables in Vegas and spends a wad never seeming to regret the amount he lost. After all, to him it’s all fun and worth a good time. You are intrigued and sucked into his wander lust attitude about life and the adventure and daring he pursues each day. It’s a wild ride and you are glad to be having a great time with him.
3. He or she was up front in his behaviors. Yes or No
Example: He works twenty-four seven and is in med school. He has a dream of becoming a wonderful practioner in his field. You admire that kind of commitment about someone who believes in something bigger than himself.
4. His or Her friends give you hints at who this person is that you’ve fallen for: Yes or No
Example: His sister shares how he primps in front of the mirror for hours before going out with you and has a closet of black sweaters to match every season with a credit card bill to match. You gaze into his eyes think he’s absolutely stunning to look at.
5. You are dissatisfied with him or her and the way they behave now: Yes or No
Your’e married and your goals have changed. You want to snuggle in at night, save for a home, have a baby, with a man who doesn’t mind spending Saturdays at Home Depot, raking leaves, and cooking in the kitchen with you. He’s hasn’t changed! Your’e hurt, disppointed, and feel at loss on what to do next!
If you answered YES to these questions, you and you alone are responsibile for entering into the relationship you are in and it’s your own fault you are miserable in it. You are a self-imposed victim of the ill faited “Star Gaze Syndrome.”
Advice: Either accept them for who they are or get out before you waste your life and theirs. Don’t blame them!
A crooked tree will never grow straight !
Ben will always gamble and love the single life.
Jennifer will always adhere to her morality and self-discipline. She considers it most important to be a wonderful mom above all else.
Blake will always love a tall cool glass or two.
Amanda will always be fierce.
And you will always be you!
PS: I am the biggest fool of all. I just label the root cause of my romantic disasters due to ‘imprinting.’ The effect is the same however. This Big Girl is done crying: Http://amzn.to/1zvlmdM
April of Course