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Stop Going NUTS With this ONE Change!

Have you ever felt that there just isn’t enough time in each day?

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A typical five minutes of my day.

I stop at the Dollar Store to pick up a few things but before I realize, I should have gotten a cart.

At the check out, I struggle into the deep dark hole in my purse to find my money and my keys.I notice those near me giving an annoyed smile joining me in my anxious desire to hurry up.  Next the cell goes off blaring the Beatles, All You Need Is Love, for all to hear.  (Just dated myself.) I continue the losing battle with items in my bag unable to find the phone; missing the call. The clerk taps her finger on the counter waiting for me to give her the credit card.  My keys fall on the floor.  My glasses slip down on the nose.  Five minutes of my day over and out the door I bumble; juggling two bags, another song blaring, keys clinking, and a pounding head ache.

Only 23 hours and 55 more minutes to get it all done, hoping of course that there are no fires to put out.

Sound familiar? Are we all NUTS?

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 Until recently, I thought that was just normal life.

But a few weeks ago, I had a personal heartbreak that has forced me to look at myself through a different lens. It’s amazing how  quickly we can change when life is at stake.

Since that time, I find myself, looking at my life more as an observer seeing how much I went over board with my family and friends giving to others when they neither asked, or even wanted.

The end result: I was left feeling depleted and miserable, used, and others who I love dearly were not given the opportunity to stretch and become strong in their own right. It’s a lose/lose.

I was depleted, they were at a loss!

Yes, a crisis can be very revealing if we allow ourselves to see the painful truth past all of our defenses to defend our actions. I had to face the fact that it was me alone who took on the burden as guardian of all that is to be done.  It was  me who responsible for this crazy road to insanity. And worst of all, these acts of undying martyrism did more harm then good to those most sacred in my world.

There is only ONE change YOU need to make to your life less nuts:

 Get Some Boundaries!

Four changes you Must make to get pleasure back in your life. 

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1.  Look at what people actually ask of you versus what YOU think you need to do for them. 

Women, especially working moms and single moms, are fueled by guilt more than anything else.  We feel we have to overcompensate for not being Betty Crocker.

But consider this, being a bitch after staying up all night baking really ruins the whole idea if you think about it. Buy the cupcakes, wake up refreshed, and enjoy the birthday of your little one.

Everyone will thank you.

2. Accept the fact that it is OK NOT to be all things for all people. You wear the crown because of WHO you are, NOT What you DO!

Why would you demand yourself to be something that is impossible?  Could it be to reconfirm your low self worth? Could it be to relive the words echoing from others in your childhood that you would ‘mess it up’, ‘not get the A’, ‘never win the race’?

I think there’s an Expiration Date on those lies.  Throw that VCR tape playing night and day in your brain away.  It’s old news.

Let them go.

3. Life itself is full of unexpected curves in the road, bumps on the head, cracks in the heart.

I was once in couples’ therapy when I heard the man utter in desperation, “when is this ever going to stop?”

The answer, ‘never as along as you are alive.’  Life is about change and how well we handle the change determines to a great extent your pleasure effect for life.

The end goal of chaos in the game of life is when they seal the coffin.

Accept it! 

4. Say NO and Mean it!

This is going to take practice.  It’s hard to say NO when for your entire flipping life you have been saying YES to every request any child, spouse, partner, or boss has had asked of you.

Still today, when I utter NO, I wince, feel slightly nauseous inside, and wonder if the other party will turn their away and reject me.

Exhale, hang up the phone, walk out of the room, do whatever you need to.

KEY:  It took a life time to create this self-destructive behavior; it’s going to take a while to feel good about the new and improved you. 

Practice saying: “NO, No, no….!”

Stages of taking such a brave move! 

  1. Uncomfortable feelings of fear, loss, grief inside your heart and soul.
  2. Anger and confusion from those you gave too much to.
  3. Loss of what was your predictable chaotic, guilt filled life.
  4. Silence.
  5. Some will leave.
  6. Some will rejoice and support you.
  7. Time….to reinvent a healthy you.
  8. A new normal is born.

Love always,

 

April of Course

April Kirkwood

April Kirkwood LPC holds two masters and is presently working in the mental health focussing on both women's issues as well as addiction. Her desire is to help others take the present, healing the past, and creating a wonderful tomorrow. Focus: child trauma, holistic methodology, sexual molestation and harassment.

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