The Logic of Illogical Love
April Kirkwood, M.Ed.
Q: I just found out my wife of seven years has been seeing someone at work romantically. When I confront her she just cries and tells me she loves me and our two small children. She says she doesn’t understand it herself. Can you help me understand why my wife went outside our marriage to seek comfort in the arms of another man?
A: Although each situation is unique, I would like to share with you the four reasons wives cheat. I am going to reach out to you individually to respect your privacy. I hope some of explanations written below make some sense. Good luck and hang in there.
Four Reasons Married Women Have Affairs But Stay With Their Spouses
Married women who have an affair seem crazy at times and even appear reckless and ‘hellter skelter’ with their lives and those they care most for. However, I found that perception to be, in most cases, totally nonsense. The ladies I’ve shared deep and meaningful conversations about their affairs were far from cheeky, haphazard, or loose. These women were strong, thoughtful, and had weighed the pro’s and con’s quite seriously before accepting that invitation to lunch or a engaging in a hotel tryst. These are women also anticipated the best and worst of what might happen if it all came crashing down. Still they proceeded and had an affair.
The Four reasons married gals gave me for deciding to stay married but sought another partner are:
1. They are deeply unhappy.
Women I spoke with didn’t go out looking for an affair. Though sex had grown stale with their husbands they weren’t out looking for casual sex either. Nor were these ladies searching for an opportunity to run from the responsibilities of home life. There was a quiet desparation screaming insdie of them for something, though they didn’t know what it was. Whatever they tried to erase, heal, or conceal; this agony could not be filled. Out of deep despair they tried to fill that loss in an affair.
2. They love their home.
Women who chance a bit of privacy with another lover, do it because they love their home. They are the women who are active in their communities, skilled a being a perfect hostess, support their husband’s professional climb up the ladder, and volunteer at church.
2. They adore their children and family.
Yes, they had an affair because they loved their family. A husband alone does not make an entire family. Children were key to why women stayed but still tried to get emotionally fed without upsetting everyone else they cared for. There are mother-in-laws, sisters, friends, and more to consider. It may seem strange; but us ladies get it. We hold the family and the community together.
Most of the women genuinely cared for their spouses. The history shared, the up’s and the down’s of all they persevered together wasn’t forgotten. They realized those memories were precious and would never or could never be replaced. In short, they didn’t want anyone to get hurt.
Like it or not, a woman is the heart of the home and she is in charge of everyone’s happiness. It’s just sad, no one is in charge of her emotional well being.
3. They love their life.
Woman I spoke with really do cherish their jobs as homemaker. Lighting candles, tucking little ones into bed, Sunday dinners, and snuggling on the couch on snowy nights are blissful to them. They realize how rich their lives are on many other levels. To throw away all of the other parts of themselves, just didn’t make sense.
It comes as no surprise to that woman who leave their husbands suffer financially. Women of the sixties are the first to enjoy the independence of birth control pill’s, women in managerial positions, and credit cards of their own. These were the blaze burners who shouted, “Enough of your shit. I can do this on my own” walking out of marriages and stepping into unknown single wage earner. They were also the first generation to choose to be single parents. Today’s Moms have heard Oprah, Dr. Phil, and others share how damaging divorce can be to everyone involved. Women are smarter than their mom’s respecting the institution of family life. Money is a major factor in why women stay but have affairs.
The logic of Illogical Love
We cannot judge the path of those who have an affair. We do know they are looking to mend the broken pieces of their being any way they can even if the road they choose isn’t the best one.
And who is to say that the other man involved hasn’t been brought into the picture as a lesson or test of sorts. Even if a mistake is made, this experience can be used to learn more about forgiveness and self-respect. Some lessons teach what it’s like to be humble, fall realizing that it is noneother than ourselves that are accountable for one’s errors of choices.
There is a logic to all of the messes we make. We may not be able to see it but we can feel it if we search deeply into the core of our spirits.
April of Course