I wrote this book because I wanted to understand why in the world any woman (ME) would waste her time loving anyone who didn’t love her back. Why do so many of us worship men who have no clue who we are and worse; no desire to see what makes us happy nor wants to please us. We love, we give, we moan and often do it again and again with similar men who aren’t capable or willing.
I have no time to spend pointing fingers. I have no energy to spend on anger or resentments. I want to know love on every level and live it fully until I take my last breath. It’s strange when you ask for help it appears. I happened to stumble upon a brave and a respected author, Don Givens, that decided he wanted to join me on this adventure. We we found together may seem awful filled with family dysfunction and issues of addiction, rumors of molestation, and adultery. The characters are deeply complex and I love each one of them. Through this process I grew, healed, and became passionate to help others heal from trauma that has hidden them from finding and keeping romance.
Let’s start the conversation. Read the book. Google it. See how it might apply to heartache that seems unending. It does end. There is a workbook that is out and you will begin to understand love, life, and healing.
By now I hope you are getting to know me, the real deeply flawed but ever present girl who most of the name is pretty happy. If now, let me share with you what others ofter say, People always ask me, “April, how did find yourself out of your drama? How do you move on? Find a smile in life’s issues? I did it and I’m proud to say most days, not all, I’m more then Ok. I’m pretty darn happy.
But after reading, Working My Way Back To Me, you will most undoubtedly see how much we probably have in common. The message and why I write is quite simply this, “It is possible to move on without becoming a cynical bitter ****** and use what you’ve been through to make life better.
Quick Test: Do any of these resonate with you?A person without a strong sense of identity tends to suffer from:
Feelings of emptiness or meaninglessness
Feelings of helplessness
If any of these happen to fit more then just once in a blue moon, you may be struggling with finding yourself. Take a look at trying a few of these and rediscover your Magnificent Self.
Tips To Find True Self
Write down what everyone has told you about yourself, what they think is right, and what they think is wrong.
Cross off those items in the list that you no longer buy into and circle the ones you still question. There are no right or wrong answers and no rush. You are free to return and change your answers. You can an A just for showing up.
Make a list of what you know you love…in terms of interests, passions, hobbies, and people. Make a commitment to only hang out with others that make you feel happy.
Write down what feels right to you.
Now create a list of people, places, and things that feel right.
As you raise your energy raises from being in a positive place, watch what happens and it continues to repeat itself attracting more of the same. Changes will come and go with them. Some people may not understand…walk away and let it go. Each day your self-worth will grow with the new, original self you always are!
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
Evidence of someone who knows who they are:
e living your life purpose:
1. You feel truly alive.
2. You’ve forgiven yourself and others for past mistakes.
3. You’re grateful while you work toward what you want.
4. You trust your heart.
5. You don’t settle.
6. Your past mistakes serve a purpose.
7. Instead of trying to change the world, you focus on changing yourself.
8. You live less out of habit and more from intent.
9. Your faith is bigger than your fear.
10. Instead of focusing on your bank account, you focus on who you can and have helped.
11. You go to bed smiling and proud of your day.
12. You appreciate each moment and can find purpose in pain.
13. You are who you are, not who the world says you should be.
14. You realize your life purpose isn’t just about you.
15. You tell yourself you love you and can accept compliments gracefully.
16. You stopped comparing yourself to others and celebrate your unique, quirky, beautiful self.
17. You’ve let go of trying to “find” your purpose and instead do what you are passionate about.
18. You know the world needs something in you.
19. You’re OK with not getting what you want because you know you always get what you need.
20. You appreciate the journey, if not more so, than the destination.
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This Father’s Day is quiet for me. My kids are grown and live on their own. My ex has passed away and the kids have quietly seemed to move forwards. In fact, it’s too quiet. Stillness does many things. One of the most profound is the space it gives for us to review our lives and actions and how they affected those we care for most. During this week before Father’s Day we have been bomb barded with advertisements, interviews from Dads, and stores filled with all sorts of gifts to delight Dad’s heart.
I was taken back to a time when I was a divorced mom struggling with most of the responsibilites and my ex out and about dating and having fun. I remembered the nightmare of past Father Days having to see him and considered how my attitude and behavior affected my children’s development and mental outlook now.
Every roof has a leak!
In my case, the fact that he married my first cousin was compounded by my Mother’s exaggerated downright vicious rebuttal on his marriage didn’t help matters.
Honestly though, I knew better. Nothing gave me a pass to react so negatively to each holiday, phone call, birthday card. The snickers, remarks under my breath, rolling my eyes, and out and out verbage that just was down right mean.
I lashed out because I was tired, overwhelmed and hurt. Balancing a career, graduate school and being the head of the home was a lot for me.
Who really gets hurt when there is anger?
You, your ex, the extended family but most importantly, young defenseless kids who didn’t deserve to hear, experience or be put in the middle of yet another bad day of living in a divorced home.
Now I would treat Father’s Day and all encounters with my ex completely different because I see how important my thoughts as a Mom determine the success of my divorce, the kids’ lives, and their relationship with their father.
“If I knew then what I know now.“
So today as you wave goodbye, exhausted from carrying the load for raising the kids, as dad zooms in for a lovely, stress free afternoon with your little ones….please, for the sake of the babies you love so very deeply remember this tips:
1. Your unloving thoughts about your ex does affect your mental health, physical state, and your future.
Thought: If you are broken, how can you help anyone else?
2. Since your children are created from both you and your ex, children often project your negative comments about their Dad personally to them because they identify with him so deeply. He is part of them and that will never change, like it or not.
Thought: Your unloving thoughts radiates about their Daddy determining their self image.
3. Your disgust, disconcern, and lack of empathy for your ex sends subliminal messages that it is OK to talk about, retaliate, and emotionally attack someone you once loved.
Thought: You are the most significant model in the character development of your children. Bullies and lies often start in the home and manifest on the playground and later into their adult relationships!
4. The idea that you could turn on their Daddy leads to feelings of insecurity. Their development often conjurs messages like, “If she doesn’t like Daddy anymore, maybe she will dislike me if I do something wrong.”
Thought: Fear and Love cannot co-exist in the growth of a happy life.
5. Boys and girls need a male model to emulate and lean on. No one can do it all, teach it all, and cover all of the bases needed to help a child grow up. You are hindering your child’s growth when you discourage the opportunity for him or her to explore Dad’s life, his strengths, and his time.
Young father helping his daughter get ready
Thought: Do you really want to strip them of their right to have a male model in their life?
6. You as the mother are the heart of the home. If your heart is not healed, how will others have a role model to do the same. Lessons about forgiveness, kindness, looking forward, and learning from even the worst of circumstances is your responsibility and your gift to your children.
Thought: You as MOM are the most powerful influence in the future of your children. Rule with gentle strength not harsh words of war!
The next time the kids are going with Dad, help them get ready, go to the door and wave good-bye, smile, and then take a few much needed hours of rest and relaxation knowing that your kindness helped make their visit a success.
As for me, I’m going to call my kids, tell them I love them and mention something their Dad did when he was alive that will make them at least take a moment to remember that they came from good stock no matter what I had said in moments of pain and personal anguish.
Kate Spade’s suicide gave women every where a momentous message. The things our culture admires does not fix problems, keep us happy, and fulfill our inner longings.
This video shares my thoughts about the underlying reasons many women all over the globe are wondering, “what happened to Kate’s life urging them to ask themselves, “What does this have to do with my values, goals, and aspirations? Am I on the right track?”
As children we have have been taught to use the five senses and our cognitive intellect to navigate through life. Skills very necessary for survival. Before we knew it, we become so entwined with this method of thinking we didn’t even notice that we had become slaves to events and actions of others. In the process, we lost our true selves. We begin to look forward to special events, vacations, praise from others, as well as the rush of attraction from others until it became our mode of functioning and getting through each day.
But we began to rely on these events to determine our happiness. So many elements began to toy with our lives…..our emotions were like yo-yos.
Today we live monitoring all of our ability to be happy on a crazy pendulum of daily ups and downs. Get a compliment – feel wonderful. New shoes – so excited. Get demoted at work – feel awful. Have a great meal – feel content. Your mate is cranky – feel anxious. On and on it goes.
Is it any wonder the pharmaceutical companies are thriving?
Eventually our systems are wired to crave this drive through drives, thrills, and physical sensations. Some become slaves to the chase and acquisition of thrills, even though they lead to an unsatisfying and unstable life.
Caution: The greater you are enslaved to thrills, the more you will unhappy.
Test it out yourself!
How do you know this is true?
Try this test!
Are you often uncomfortable when there is nothing to look forwards to?___________
Do you feel that there is something more to life?__________
Is there a longing within you but unsure what is it or how to get it?________
Do you hope tomorrow will be different but it never is?____________
Most answer Yes….but they are afraid there is nothing else so they decide this is just life and continue down the road of the frightened wanderer so were keep the mind and body running.
The short term results for this tragic thinking: costly financial mistakes, loss of valued relationships, career mistakes, and over all self-loathing.
Anxiety is just the beginning of this illusion until eventual physical death.The end result for these tragic thinking. Eventually we arrive at a point when we realize this chase is like a bottomless pit that can never be filled. Occasional disappointment sinks into despair lost aimlessly in search. for lasting fulfillment.
What can ‘You’ do to get off this rollercoaster you call ‘life’?
Caution: The greater you are enslaved to thrills, the more you will unhappy.
The only way out is to think from a spiritual viewpoint. It is finding your soul’s essence and realizing that although exciting events will come, they will go, and that the only thing you need is you.
This is the Real YOU?
Your are a king or a queen through conscious awareness of your true identity. You need not do anything.
You have entered a realm of spirituality which transcends all of the illusions that have held you captive.
You ask, “Won’t I be bored if I don’t look forward to things?” Absolutely not. Boredom is a by-product of the crash after the rush.
Refuse to accept emotional attachment as happiness. It is not.
Imagine having no fear in a situation that once drove you off the hook? Feel like that.
How would you behave with others if you knew no one could hurt you? Feel like that.
How would you react to misfortune if you knew it wouldn’t bother you? Feel like that.
A king or queen becomes the ruler of his destiny by living like a king or queen.
Measurement of Growth: When you find yourself alone, nothing good on tv, nothing coming up this weekend, no drama….and you realize, “Wow, I’m not depressed.”
Wonderful News: Exciting things will still come about but like clouds passing by; you will enjoy them but your day will not be governed by them.
Warnings: Sometimes a shock or tragedy when met with awareness can make the changes needed but, if possible. Seriously, there’s no need unless that’s the path you choose.
Mantra: Today I will pay attention t awakening my intuitive self, therein is lasting happiness. So it is!