What Should You Do When Your Love Has Been Violated

Monday Moments

with April Kirkwood

Is breaking up the right move for you?

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I was brought up smack in the middle of the internal feminine battle between the birth of women’s liberation and the stringent western guidelines of blind obedience of woman to her man.

I’ve personally experienced being one of the first kids on the block from a divorced home. Let me just say, the scars still linger.

Unfortunately, for those well intentioned women, there was little research at that time about the short and long term effects on children and our communities of single parent homes.

Some women rightfully thumbed their noses at their abusive husbands packing it in, kids and all.  Others dropped off that band of gold at the pawn shop just because they out grew their man, wanted more, changed. Then there was the opposite extreme. It consisted of socially ‘model’ women that regularly attended church, secretly cried in the darkness, and stayed hidden behind the mirror images of their successful marriage.

However, these the two groups aren’t really at odds with one another.

This emotionally charged pendulum swung between two extreme views of methods to find the answer to the same haunting question. “How do I as a woman regain a shred of integrity from the heartbreaking assault of my partner who has torn my heart into pieces?” The bra burners proclaimed, ‘dump the bastard.’ and ‘make him suffer.’  Traditional women with a different set of values whispered, ” hold your head up and carry on. Do not let extramarital affairs destroy the life you’ve built together.”

The question is and will always be, “I’m hurt.  I’ve been violated by my beloved and what should I do about it?

It is a valid question.

Staying and leaving your love relationship when it hits the skids of your desires, hopes, and future dreams is the cause of many sleepless nights and sad to say, more than a few suicides.

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In retrospect, neither one or the other of these views seemed to reduce divorce rates, increase monogamy in relationships, or improve the happiness rating of marriage.

Don’t fret,

nothing is a loss, nothing is without value.

Today, I am witness to the balance of this extreme pendulum between self loathing and self gratification. We are emotionally coming to a center  of divine peace and understanding with ourselves and our pain.

Before you walk out, call the attorney, and upheave your life, think about these relationship saving thoughts:

  1. No one made you choose him or her.  You did that on your own accord.  Why? Do you need healed from unresolved issues that surfaced here again in this present relationship? Advice:  Do YOUR personal work in this relationship if it is emotionally and physically safe to do so – get healed from any ghosts.  If you do not, you are going to keep repeating similar scenarios until you do so.  Save attorney costs.  Get a therapist.

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2.  What part of this on some level is your responsibility that this is falling apart? Are you purposely unaware hoping to punish him or yourself?  Did you not hear what was not spoken but could only be felt? Advice:  If you love him, smell the roses with the thorns and get to living.  A relationship is a union of two not one.  Both parties, that means you, need to care, collaborate, and correct. Are you awake in the relationship?

3. Good relationships have their ups and downs.  Most marriages that last do so because they ride out the storm. Have you watched the classic movie, The Notebook, one too many times? Life is not a movie, a fantasy, or always champagne and roses. Advice: Remember what you love about him.  Find the good in your life, yourself, and the world.  Thank him for simple tasks.  Be positve and get your head out of the clouds.  You life is not a Disney movie. Get realistic about life and love!

4.  The ego has no place in heart.  Is it foolish pride that makes you want to leave or is it really over? Are you more concerned what the neighbors think than what you really feel.  The ego is not your friend.  It wants division and revels in the fact that you listen to him.  It enlarges his power over your life. Are you reacting from pride, fear, anger? Advice:  For real love you need to be real. Let go of all that isn’t loving. They say a miracle is nothing more than a change in perception.

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5.  There is a divine reason your souls have been brought together.  There are no mistakes in the universe.  Look for the lesson.  Learn it here, with or with him, but do the work.  Perhaps it about forgiveness, commitment, release, or learning to work as a team.  Advice:  Dig deep in your soul and figure out the purpose you are here right now, in this, right here. Fight for this self-awareness.  Do not let anyone or anything take this from you.  Make it your life’s work.

In closing, whether you stay or go is so much more than selling out to society’s pressures.  It’s not about what other’s think. It’s about your soul.  Your values. Your growth.

ADVICE: Whatever you do….think, feel, think again…sleep….think, feel it again…..until you are sure what is right for you.

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Life is the process of returning to love.

Always a believer in you,

April of Course

 

 

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